1. Cash as a gift. Gift cards are a gateway drug. (I still don’t do this. You will get a ceramic soup tureen in the shape of a swan for your wedding. Sell it on eBay if you want cash.)
2. Poor grammar or punctuation
3. Speaking of or asking about money
4. Returning a gift
5. Taking a gift to a wedding
6. Having a gift table–that would be presumptuous
7. Sending Thank You note with the words “Thank You” on the outside. Duh!
8. Failure to send a handwritten thank you note within 2 weeks
9. Piercing your ears. (This one came from my grandmother, and I’m less clear on the details but I do recall the word “strumpet” was involved.)
10. Spitting
11. Cigarettes
12. Toothpicks
13. Gum
14. Fingernail biting
15. Basically anything in your mouth other than food
16. Call Waiting
17. Failure to wear a slip
18. Ordering a hamburger in an ethnic restaurant
19. Tattoos
20. White shoes (slightly lower on the list than tattoos because, well, you can take them off)
21. A hairbrush anywhere other than the bathroom
22. Any talk or mention of body parts or functions uncloaked in adorable euphemisms
23. Curses stronger than “Mercy Maud!” or referring to someone as a “Blankety-blank”
24. Using the first name of someone a generation or more older than you
25. Failure to use your turn signal

Does anyone else hold these truths to be self-evident? You can imagine how, living under this code, I walk around disgusted and offended the majority of the time. I’m just saying I might have come by my snoot honestly.

Anyhoo, I have been thinking this week about 2 important things: the floral print mafia, the global plot to reduce America to mediocrity, and their unlikely (but clearly asserted in this diatribe) connection.

First, the insidious threat that is gripping Southlake, Texas–the Vera Bradley lobby. Everywhere I go I’m assaulted by the quilted, technicolor menace. The latest uproar seems to be that teachers aren’t allowing VB totes in the classroom, claiming it is becoming too crowded and all that color is a strain on the eyes. That’s discrimination! Clearly, it is within my 11 year old’s rights to carry twice her own body weight in a yurt-sized cavity of cheerful daisies and snails! School board, what is your %$*@ing problem with daisies and snails? Don’t you have more important things to do, like solve the problem in the next segment? Haters.

Which brings me to my next point–the global subterfuge that is dumbing down America. We manage that fine on our own, thank you very much. I never realized how ridiculous the English language is until I tried to teach someone to read. Mind you, the child can read in Spanish just fine. Yes, I know it’s quaint that rough, bough, and cough don’t rhyme, or sound remotely alike, or make any sense whatsoever. And don’t get me started on the word “rhyme.” But think of all of the time wasted on spelling tests and spelling words. There is no such thing as a spelling test in a phonetic language because it is spelled the way it sounds. Always. (That’s actually the definition of phonetic). An hour a day on spelling, spelling tests, spell check, and spelling correction, over a lifetime of 85 years is over 31,000 hours wasted while Germans and Spaniards play their violins.

Imajin if we al wrot foneticlee and al the ours we wood sav–so manee more resipees on Pinterest!

Think about it. We could eliminate entire uses for letters. There is no point in a soft c, when you have a perfectly good s. There is no hard g because that’s what we have j for. And y is just a stupid letter. It’s the appendix of the alphabet. It offends my sense of efficiency to have all of this extraneous stuff. And why do we have the word extraneous at all, if extra suits just fine? And yet, these foreigners keep pushing it on us. They continue to learn English so we won’t catch on.

Don’t you see it? They have us cornered, spending all of our time learning how to spell with not even our Doodle Daisy Convertible Crossbody for consolation. Bastards.

Faithful readers will remember that I did predict the death of Andy Rooney last year. Well, I assumed he was dead, and he died shortly thereafter. So, it’s practically the same thing.

You heard it here first. Not that I wish ill on Sandy Duncan. I mean I love “The Sound of Music” and Wheat Thins. Oh, wait. Julie Andrews was all “Doe, a deer”, and Mary Poppins. Sandy Duncan is Peter Pan. I hope the Fates don’t get confused like I do. Because if I had to choose, I’d save Mary Poppins. But maybe the two of them could team up and defeat calamity with sheer cheerfulness and treacly goodness. Like some sort of caped duo with sparkly smiles and perfect pitch. But part of me thinks Poppins has a dark streak and would turn on you just as soon as look at you. A spoonful of sugar, my foot. The hills are alive, indeed. So, you’re on your own, Sandy.

Editor’s note: For full effect, read aloud in your best “Investigative Journalist” voice with equal parts outrage and opprobrium.

60% of Milhizer Household: TAKERS!

Three out of 5 Milhizers pay no income taxes; never mind that they don’t have income. That’s not the point. All they do is demand food, clothing, the latest gadgets, and to be driven to an extreme number of extra-curricular activities. Just keeping the hybrid fueled up has forced Barbara to maintain 3 jobs: as HR consultant, yoga instructor, and unpaid (yet much loved) blogger. And yet, she finds time to practice piano, photo-document the family, and spend quality time with her Crock Pot.

Children Exploited to Enhance Facebook Posts

It’s clear that without being able to brag about their children’s accomplishments, these people would have absolutely nothing to say. For example:

Gus:

• 2011-2012 Piano Student of the Year
• 4th grade All A Honor Roll
• 4th place Durham Intermediate Spelling Bee
• 1st place Back Kick Board Break and 2nd place Staff Form, Hamandang Texas Tae Kwon Do Competition

Nate:

• 2 goals to cement the Rovers’ single win of the season
• Superior Rating in Fall Piano Festival
• Voted Best Laugh EVER

Such disgusting and shameless use of their offspring. They are probably angling for a reality TV show. Somewhere Honey Boo Boo weeps.

Blue State Vacation Bias?

Don’t think it has gone unnoticed that 100% of vacations the Milhizers took were to BLUE STATES!

• Skiing in Steamboat Colorado for Spring Break!
• A week in Chicago over the summer visiting public institutions, like museums! And you know what goes on in Chicago…community organizing!
• Torch Lake, Michigan. Isn’t that really South Canada?
• And Hawaii, which Donald Trump doesn’t even recognize as a state!

The only thing less American would be a trip to Europe, and our sources indicate that’s in the works for 2013.

Family Pet: OUTSOURCED!

Seamus, the hard-working family dog, was simply doing his job as retriever when he tried to bag a neighborhood cyclist for the family. Simply pulling his weight, we say. (The neighbor and local law enforcement saw it somewhat differently.) What did loyalty and honest work get Seamus? OUTSOURCED! Now he lives in the country with other dogs, competing for survival, and relegated to riding on car roofs. Meanwhile, his cozy bed and chew toys are taken over by a “Portuguese Water Dog.” Our investigators looked it up, and we’re pretty sure Portugal isn’t even in this country. As a result, we are unable to authenticate the birth certificate of this so-called Sheba. Another example of American jobs going to undocumented workers? You be the judge.

Foreign Take-Over! Heiliger Apfelstrudel!

T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, where Eric is VP of Marketing. T-Mobile is owned by Deutsche Telekom. I think we all know where this is going…half of Eric’s salary will be earmarked for the Greek Debt Alleviation Fund, the Milhizers will now be forced to pledge allegiance to Angela Merkel, and they must now learn to accessorize properly with scarves. Jawohl!

You Didn’t Build That!

Still no house on the property on Lake Charlevoix. It’s almost like they are expecting someone to come along and build the heli-pad and car elevators for them.

Polls Indicate Milhizers Bitterly Divided

On any given day these people can’t agree on what to name the new puppy, where to eat, whose turn it is to pick the song in the car, or who started the argument, and yet they manage to take as many vacations a Congress and still maintain a higher favorability rating. But they all agree on the following end to the annual letter…

May your post-election bounce be permanent, your gaffes few, your fiscal cliff a short drop, your PAC replete with funds, and your fate not rest in the hands of (clearly incapable) Florida. (Can we just replace them with Puerto Rico? Then we wouldn’t have to re-do the stars on the flag.)

Wishing you happy holidays and a terrific 2 years until congressional elections,

Eric, Barbara, Gus, and Nate

I am Barbara Milhizer, and I approved this message. Cue the video montage…

1. Parades. The whole concept is weird–standing there and watching people pass you by. I don’t like the metaphor.

2. DisneyWorld/Land/Universe, whatever. I don’t like rides, crowds, or metal gates herding me as if to slaughter. I also find adults in costumes strangely unnerving (That one’s for you, Amy). That mouse is suspect. Did you ever notice no matter which way he turns, his ears are ALWAYS forward? It’s like he’s listening for dissent is his kingdom of mandatory cheerfulness.

Eric and I once came close to divorce on Disney property, and cheery minions were dispatched to address the situation. “We’ve got a domestic situation in ToonTown! Smiles on, people. This is not a drill!” I don’t like contrived fun or forced happiness. And if you’ve visited France at Epcot, it’s really not like being in France. At all. I wonder what wins–staying in Disney character and being robotically happy or acting the part of a Frenchman and being rude? I bet their heads explode at the prospect. Just go to France, you’d probably save money. And they’re not rude, they hate the presumption that everyone speaks English and takes US dollars. My kind of people.

3. Cruises. It’s me and 5000 of my closest friends! Except they are not my friends. They are the people that populate my personal hell. I just need more in my day than filling the space between meals. Oddly Disney Cruises sound more appealing than the component parts by themselves. Still…

4. Goodnight, Moon I do not understand the appeal to this book whatsoever. It is the worst example of poetry ever. There is no standard rhyming scheme, and sometimes she sets you up for the obvious rhyme like with “Goodnight, comb” and then just as you are expecting “Goodnight, garden gnome…” nothing. It’s like the sneeze that just won’t happen. Instead she goes from comb to brush (and who needs both?) near a bowl of mush (unsanitary). And why isn’t that old lady up and about cleaning up the mush? I guess that’s why the mouse was attracted to the scene in the first place. And how is it that rabbits and kittens and mice are co-habitating anyway? And what’s up with that balloon?

First, I need to address an old request to innumerate the most annoying consulting terms. I have to admit I have been avoiding this one. It seems a little like eating my young given this is how I make my living. If I divulge my secret that what we say is rarely meaningful or comprehensible, that might impact me negatively. And revenues from snootycall, delightful though it is, won’t pay the bills.

As a sacrifice to entertainment, friends, here goes…

1. Sniff test

If I don’t know what it is, I’m sure not sticking my nose in it to find out.

2. Paradigm shift 

Holy hyperbole! Font changes are not paradigm shifts. The Zombie Apocalypse is a paradigm shift. Wait for it.

3. Copacetic

Unless you find yourself on a spiritual journey and weaving hemp sandals, just don’t.

4. Metrics, bi-yatch!

Ok, I’ve never said that, but I’ve often thought it.

5. Strawman

I don’t even know what that means, but sometimes I’ll use it clearly out of context just to see if anyone else does.

6. (Insert Any Adjective) Leadership

There is always a new book touting a super-secret, previously undiscovered, completely revolutionary (!) way to be a jackass and get people to do your bidding. A better approach would be Don’t-be-a-Jackass Leadership. It’s not new, super-secret, or revolutionary, but it is rare and inconvenient, I know.

7. Verbifying nouns, e.g., “bonused” as in The managers were bonused on their performance. Sounds unpleasant.

8. Nounification of verbs like leverage and Impact, as in A sure way to impact your billable hours is to leverage vocabulary to baffle your client.

9. File under over-used: Core Values. I’ve never seen a company without 4 out of the 5 same values in various forms. Just once I’d like to see Fancy Pants on the list.

Ok, fellow PeopleResults, Accenture, and consultant snoots, I know you have my back on this one. Bring us home with your favorite nuggets.

She’s a good actress, that is not in dispute. But there is something about her near-translucent skin that is unnerving. I dug deeper. Her gums. There is something unnatural about her gums. Fair enough. See the picture? Weird gums. Non-existent gums. Like teeth coming out at  you with no warning.

So, I started examining my own celebrity aversions, and came up with the 2 people I really can’t stand and can’t really say why: Nicholas Cage and Cameron Diaz. With Nick, it’s got to be the hang-dog, mouth breathing. It worked in “Raising Arizona” but not since. Cameron is just someone I feel deserves a punch in the face. No particular reason–she could just do with one. Nickeron offspring would be the end of me.

According to the people at Morphthing.com, this is what a baby Camge would look like, receding hairline, mustache, angular jaw and all. See, already can’t close his/her mouth. Frightening!

So I asked Eric about his male star aversion, and he came up with…Stanley Tucci. Stanley Tucci? That’s what you come back with? That’s like saying you don’t like capers (which he doesn’t). They just don’t feature often enough to warrant a statement that you don’t like them. I sent him back for a better answer. He seconded his dad’s weird aversion to Al Pacino. Could celeb-aversion be hereditary? I see a pattern against mob movie character actors emerging.

I’m curious to know what inexplicable biases snooty readers have. You don’t need a justification. In fact, it’s better if you have no valid reason, whatsoever. Clearly Rachael Ray is odious and grating. That’s too easy. I need to know who you can’t abide on a visceral level, though they are probably a lovely person.