I must have missed the memo that said everyone should add a marathon to his bucket list. Seems like everyone has trained for one, run one, run one on each continent, run as least one in costume, watched someone run one, or read books about running one. It’s the new black, like getting a tattoo or taking up composting.

Let’s be clear. I will not ever be running a marathon. I doubt I will run enough in my accumulated years of living to stretch 26.2 miles. I generally will not run unless being threatened with bodily harm by a pursuer.

I’ve had shin splints before, and as much as I relished spending my junior year of high school smelling of Icy Hot, running is not for the 39 year old body. It’s painful and boring, and I like alone-time. Lastly, I don’t have a 4+ hour block to do anything fun, much less engage in something that will make me lose my toenails, want to throw-up, and require me to ingest a product advertised as “goo.” (Again, inducing vomiting).

But I am generally out of the loop, or more euphemistically, “counter-cultural.” When did everyone get chiropractors? (Lightbulb: maybe if you don’t run, you don’t need one.) Decide to plank anywhere other than a yoga class? Start listening to Ke$ha? Follow single-item food diets? And deem cowboy boots with short skirts acceptable?

And perhaps most importantly, when did I start sounding like Andy Rooney?