Dear President-elect Trump and patriotic, faithful readers of the Milhizer Christmas Letter 2016,
As time is running short and unconventional qualifications are trending, we would like to submit for your consideration our candidacy for the following cabinet posts based on our extensive experience and in-depth assumptions of the scope and responsibilities of each department.
Department of Labor:
Eric Milhizer has set a new record for the number of jobs held in 2016. In fact, his recurring re-employment is part of the reason new jobs created is at a record high! Having moved three times in the past 12 months, he has a comprehensive understanding of the labor market and especially the fickle nature of “turn-around” small companies who have, in fact, little interest in turning around. Eric’s range of experience is vast, as he his spending his “job intermission” doing quality woodworking projects and teaching himself Swift programming. #retooling!
His next confirmed role will be Driving Instructor for a local teen. Full disclosure, he was a member of the IBEW Local 538 in the summer of 1986 while re-wiring the Ford-Mazda plant in Flat Rock, Michigan; however, he has never been to China, nor has he ever knowingly employed under-age workers—mostly because he can’t get his under-age sons to do any work.
Department of Education:
Barbara Milhizer has been to private school, paid for private school, been to public school, and is in her third year of teaching in public high school. In that time, she has taught an extremely diverse student body – both AP and non-AP kids, those who drive Jeeps and those who drive Lexuses, and even one kid who actually liked The Scarlet Letter. She has tremendous experience in communicating with millennials through lectures delivered entirely via Snapchat and memes. She is adept at both teaching to the AP exam and ensuring that her juniors and seniors develop life skills, such as punctuating correctly, not nounifying words with the addition of –ment to any word, and developing a love for poetry, books, and life-long learning, while assuring their parents they will still go on to medical school. In her free-time, she grades papers, plans new lessons, and explores what additional banned books she can teach. #jobsatisfactionment
Department of Energy:
Gus Milhizer is uniquely qualified for this position, as he has more energy than has previously been measured in any individual, much less a teenager. Though having just started high school, Gus is excelling in his classes as part of the Carroll Medical Academy. He plays percussion in the band and piano in the jazz band. He auditioned for, and made, the Philharmonic for the Greater Dallas Youth Orchestra, where he spends Sundays playing percussion and piano. He was named Dancer of the Year in 2016 and performs hip hop and contemporary dances with his company, DV8. And although his social media has been hacked by his parents, results only yielded extensive searches on best movies, directors, and movie quotes. He will start learning how to drive this December, allowing him to be in 2 places at once in order to accommodate his schedule.
Secretary of State:
Nate Milhizer is a natural candidate for Secretary of State, as he has vast international experience, having already logged international trips to Germany, Austria, the Czech Republic, England, Scotland, Ireland, and Canada in his short 10 years. Last March he presided over a diplomatic mission to his home country of Colombia, where he won hearts everywhere we went. He is a master negotiator and can extricate us from sticky diplomatic situations, having assured his teachers that he is “the master of getting out of things.” He can smooth over any international incidents with his natural charm, masterful magic tricks, and by playing the full Bon Jovi catalog on the guitar. Hobnobbing with the ambassador set will not be an issue, having spent his summers at sailing camp in Michigan and learning to play tennis and golf this fall.
If you are truly serious about Making America Great Again, the Milhizers are clearly the only reasonable choices to take on these positions, and we can save the taxpayers with a 4-for-1 relocation package! We’ll be waiting for the Tweet announcing our appointments…
Or, maybe we’ll just keep doing what we love, finding the joy in family and friends, reading great books, and embarking on new adventures. We’re excited for what awaits us in 2017 and wish you a year full of peace, health, joy, and love.
We already paid for this promotional video; here it is (so we can write it off as campaign expenditure)