I have a jacket that was clearly advertised as “eggplant,” and yet I cannot wear it within the Texas state limits without either being accused of or praised for (depending on your viewpoint) attending Texas A&M University (insert faint whooping, or whatever it is they do when they hear/read/think of the revered name with misty eyes). Let’s be clear: I am protecting myself from the elements, not making a statement of allegiance.

Rule: you may not co-opt an entire color for your cause, worthy or silly.

If I wear pink, then I’m allied with fighting breast cancer. Ok, fine. Then that must mean if I wear any other color that I’m secretly hoping for breast cancer to wipe out womanhood (and a small percentage of males), and I’m the single worst person on the planet. Wear eggplant, and I not only wish horrible things on billions of people, but I went to A&M to boot. Double tragedy! It’s too much pressure to send the right message. Dressing in the morning will be paralyzing.

On second thought, I’m going to amend the rule slightly to, “You may not co-opt a color for your cause, worthy or silly, unless no one cares.” I call this the University of Texas clause. If there is absolutely no danger of wearing or displaying that particular color by choice under any other circumstance, then fine. UT, I think you’re safe with the burnt orange. Godspeed.

Last edit, “You may not co-opt a fake color for your cause, worth or silly, unless no one cares.” I’m talking to you, Michigan. Really, it’s yellow. Not maize, yellow. You didn’t get all fancy with blue, why did you insist on tricking up the yellow? And really, how badass do you feel in maize? It’s not working for you.

So, let’s see, I’ve offended everyone in Texas, half of Michigan (elated the other half, if they are able to read after all), and basically all women, fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, and house pets–all before 10 am. Good work.