Ok, I think I have observed the appropriate amount of snipe-free commentary in honor of Christmas. There was at least a good 15 minute span where I refrained. And because many of you are about to board planes and travel to exotic locations, like Buffalo, I’d like to present my vision of Air Travel, the Snooty Way in time for your forays into the skies.
Snooty Rules of Air Travel
1. If you must speak to the desk personnel to check-in, you get 5 minutes on the clock. Once you have exceeded your allotted time, you must return to the back of the line and start over. Buh-bye!
2. If you and your traveling companions are sporting matching American flag jackets and velcro Rockports you must by-pass the security line and go straight to the interview room and have your passport confiscated. You clearly represent a security threat, a high potential for diplomatic incident, and at a minimum a confirmation of an embarrassing stereotype. I know, there goes any potential I had for running for Congress. My flag pin has been revoked.
3. There is a line for people who insist on wearing belts, shoes that lace, and have chromium hip replacements, and it is always the shortest line. Don’t be fooled. It’s like the farm equipment line at the DMV. It will draw you in, and then it will crush your soul.
4. If I must take off my shoes and submit my bag to an extra search, then TSA must compliment me on my impeccable taste in footwear and handbags, apologize for suspecting me in the first place, and then go clean the hair out of those bins.
5. If the carrier insists on charging me extra to bring luggage, eat or drink, use the bathroom, have a seatbelt, and sit down, I get to bill the airline for the following: injury to my elbow, seating me next to someone whose person rolls over into my personal space, snores, and/or has a phlegmatic cough; late arrival fee, early arrival fee, tarmac-waiting fee, and core body temperature distress fee.
6. If your carry-on is too large to lift over your head, you must buy a seat for it, and it cannot hog the armrest. And if you feel you must Saran-Wrap your luggage, you must also admit that you really don’t have anything of value in there (or else it wouldn’t be checked on a plane) and that you are just asking for it.
7. If when the plane arrives, there is no gate crew to move the jet bridge, passengers are allowed to boo and then use the inflatable slide.
8. I am allowed to request a seat change on the grounds that the person next to me tried to start a conversation.
9. If you allow your child to continually kick my seat, I get to tell him there isn’t a Santa. And if you must use the back of my seat to lift you out of your own, I get to turn around and stare wild-eyed and say things like, “It’s you – just as the prophecy foretold!”
10. If a flight less than 3 hours in duration requires a bathroom break, you must sit on the aisle or provide your own travel catheter.
I could go on and on, and perhaps I will in another installment, but let’s hear from the snoots…
11. If you really think that leaning your seat back two inches is going to allow you to have a more comfortable flight, then you’re such flight-travel newb that it’s my frequent-flyer sworn duty to treat your seatback like a turnstile every chance I get. A basic “pay it forward” strategy. It may not get you to put that seatback in the upright position for this flight, but hopefully it’ll prevent you from doing it to someone else in the future. I wish airlines (or terrorists) would wire a seat-ejection system to those armrest buttons. It’s a total win-win. The person looking to recline gets that extra space he was looking for and the passenger behind does too.
I have SORELY missed your blog over the last several days …………….PLEASE do NOT take another break. You are providing an important community service to those of us who desperately need someone to provide a catalyst for laughter each day. Long live Snooty Call!! p.s. I am Joe Baker’s wife.