Now that the Olympics are nearly over and I can rest assured that my legions of followers and vast influence will not unduly influence athlete performance, inadvertently bias judges, or cause unintended mayhem, it’s time to award the much anticipated Olympic Snoots.

The Snooty scale recognizes best and most useless in various categories. Consulting the interactive periodic table of metals, I have selected Lithium to represent best (batteries and pharmaceuticals and 90% of the world’s Lithium supply is in Bolivia. Forget Krugerrands. My money is in Lithium). And of course, Bohrium to represent the most useless, mind-numbing and stupid of the 2 weeks because it has no known uses and the name just lends itself to the cause.

Category: Opening Ceremony

Lithium: Mr. Bean, clearly

Bohrium: Those weird face dresses that the country name bearers wore. I think that’s Meryl Streep’s likeness at the bottom right? Defies explanation.

Category: Sport-like

Lithium:  Kayaking

Even though it doesn’t qualify under my definition of sport, I was pleasantly surprised and entertained.

Bohrium: Beach Volleyball.

Enough already. Changing the format doesn’t qualify as a new sport. (I’m looking at you too, synchronized diving.) If it did, then we should move Dressage to the ice rink for a whole new angle to the sport (also not really a sport). It’s not even interesting to watch the first time around, and I have to sit through it again in a slow-mo replay of every point of the entire match, as I wait for the gymnastics and track and field. Outfits are stupid, and I don’t buy the argument that they have to wear the bikinis “to keep sand from going everywhere.” Hey! I know how to keep sand from going everywhere, put on some clothes and play real volleyball.

Category: Sport Rule

Lithium: Pole Vaulting

It appeals to my sense of expediency and snootiness that you can pass a jump until it’s at a height worthy of your attention.

Bohrium: Tie: Gymnastics & Table Tennis Ping Pong

But since it’s a tie, the gymnastics labyrinthine tiebreaker rules come into play and force a renaming to Ping Pong. Because that’s what it is, people. Ping pong has by far the dumbest rule, “you are allowed to towel off every 6 points in a match.” It’s just hard for me to get my head around sweating and requiring a knee wrap for Ping Pong.

Gymnastics deserves an honorable mention here for its bizzare tie-breaker rules, its limit on qualifications to 2 per country for the all-around and for the unseemly protest process involving a speed application and cash.

Category: Journalistic Hyperbole

Lithium: The Backstory

I admit, I love the backstory. I love the tales of hardscrabble youths overcoming abuse, neglect, poverty to live their dream. What’s even more amazing is those who have stared down adversity and risen to the top are invariably American!

Bohrium: Michael Phelps “Greatest Olympian”

Not greatest Olympian, but most decorated. I take issue with essentially the same 4 races played out in every possible permutation for a medal a pop. By that logic the decathlon winner should get 10 medals.

Category: Post-Win Commentary

Lithium: Cyclist Bradley Wiggins

“Well what a day, blind drunk at the minute and overwhelmed with all the messages. Thank you everyone it’s been emotional X.”

Also noteworthy, when asked if Missy Franklin was disappointed with her 4th place finish, she answered she thought that 4th place at the Olympics is pretty good and did we notice how stinking fast everyone is?

Bohrium: Every other athlete

We know you’ve “worked so hard,” “wanted this so much” and “it means the world to you.” Blah blah. That’s all assumed. Next time put some gold-medal effort into your victory speech.

All in all, an excellent show, London. Cheers!