Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

studio-etiquette-nose-pickingI’ve recently started to question a catalogue of things I assumed to be true because my mother told me so, and lo, they were delivered unto us on stone tablets by Saint Emily (Post) herself. I took them as understood by everyone to be the only things holding us back from savagery. But recently I’m not so sure everyone lives under the same code. Their blatant disregard seems to signal the end of civilization. Top no-nos listed in the order of grievous offense and what circle of hell they send you to automatically:

  1. Cash as a gift. Gift cards are a gateway drug. (I still don’t do this. You will get a ceramic soup tureen in the shape of a swan for your wedding. Sell it on eBay if you want cash.)
  2. Poor grammar or punctuation
  3. Speaking of or asking about money
  4. Returning a gift
  5. Taking a gift to a wedding
  6. Having a gift table–that would be presumptuous
  7. Sending Thank You note with the words “Thank You” on the outside. Duh!
  8. Failure to send a handwritten thank you note within 2 weeks
  9. Piercing your ears. (This one came from my grandmother, and I’m less clear on the details but I do recall the word “strumpet” was involved.)
  10. Spitting
  11. Cigarettes
  12. Toothpicks
  13. Gum
  14. Fingernail biting
  15. Basically anything in your mouth other than food
  16. Call Waiting
  17. Failure to wear a slip
  18. Ordering a hamburger in an ethnic restaurant
  19. Tattoos
  20. White shoes (slightly lower on the list than tattoos because, well, you can take them off)
  21. A hairbrush anywhere other than the bathroom
  22. Any talk or mention of body parts or functions uncloaked in adorable euphemisms
  23. Curses stronger than “Mercy Maud!” or referring to someone as a “Blankety-blank”
  24. Using the first name of someone a generation or more older than you
  25. Failure to use your turn signal

Does anyone else hold these truths to be self-evident? You can imagine how, living under this code, I walk around disgusted and offended the majority of the time. I’m just saying I might have come by my snoot honestly.

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