I’m not exactly sure what a Kardashian is and why I’d want to keep up with one. But from what I can glean, I’m going to posit that they are a tribe of wealthy, shallow, under-educated, over-modified, K-branded, caricatures that allow the average person to shake his head in wonder and go back to snaking the plumbing.

I would like to suggest a new idea for a reality show– a contest to become a Kardashian. It would be much like a presidential primary process, where the least desirable candidate can surge ahead at any given time, and like it or not, the establishment is stuck with him or her. In my own Kampaign, I’d market myself as Khaos Kardashian, the smudge on an otherwise immaculate white sofa, the honey badger of the Kardashian empire. The anti-Kardashian.

First of all, Khaos has a job and drives a Prius. Khaos has been spotted wearing Crocs and using coupons at the store. Khaos goes to the store and buys nasal spray. Khaos eats chicken in nugget format. Khaos has a PhD in Gender Studies, is a concert bassoonist, and has a skin condition inflamed by tanning beds and creams. Khaos hosts a drum circle, cries at AT&T commercials, and has a unicorn figurine collection. Khaos lends her celebrity to support micro financing for women’s co-operatives in the Congo. Khaos knows where the Congo is.

As for the slogan, “What America needs now is a little more Khaos!”