Eric commented on the dearth of snark lately and asked if I were in a good mood. I could not let such an accusation go unanswered. So here is one that I’ve been contemplating for, well, 16 years.
I live in a household dominated by boys–four of them if you count the dog. I don’t claim to understand their rituals and ways, but here are a few observations.
1. They are net zero beings and easily distracted by shiny objects. Anything they take on, they must jettison something else. This works with objects, thoughts, and especially to-do lists. It’s kind of like the “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” books. It’s easy enough to reconstruct why there are Hot Wheels in the refrigerator and a tape measure inside my boots if you accept this axiom.
2. Males cannot walk by throw pillows on any surface without batting them all off and stepping on them. This would never occur to a girl.
3. A trip to the bathroom is an event. He might need a snack or reading material. I really wonder why there aren’t special PS3 consoles.
4. The urge to streak is strong. The urge to engage in pants-free activities is apparently impossible to resist. I have actually had to state, out loud, my policy on underwear at the dinner table and while playing the piano.
5. Boys come equipped with the ability to make sound effects that girls can’t.
6. The rules of socks are complex. After much observation, I have decided they are such:
If you are in the house, when the shoes come off, so must the socks. It is imperative that you leave them on the floor, but never together in the same room.
If you are outside, if the shoes come off, the socks must stay on.
If you are upstairs, you may leave the only the left one on. The right must never be found.
7. Boys have a loose interpretation of table manners.
8. Once in the shower or bath, boys forget why they are there. The soap and shampoo bottles do not jog the memory. They need to be reminded of the steps involved.
9. Men will spend time setting up an elaborate process to accomplish a simple task. By the time their process in place, their women have accomplished the task, cleaned up after themselves, and bought shoes.