We need to talk. Consider this an intervention. I know it’s unfashionable to talk about your faults, but we really need to address your addictions. I don’t mean foreign oil, cheap imports from China, or an unhealthy obsession with all meat in jerky form. I mean the things that are really holding you back. This may be American exceptionalism in the wrong direction. Here’s my list.
1. Metric system already. Rip that band-aid off.
2. Hand sanitizer. Germ-X sales alone are what has halted the slide into deep recession. An alert immune system is a good thing. While, I don’t recommend licking the floor in the DMV bathroom, soap and water goes a long way.
3. Use of “like” and “you know?” as punctuation or dramatic pause.
4. Daylight Savings Time. Either have it or don’t. Indiana, I’m talking to you.
5. Innovation in the form of new ways to get more cheese onto your pizza.
6. Lindsay Lohan.
7. ED commercials with clothed people in bathtubs. Just wrong on so many levels.
8. Goober Grape. Have we really fallen so far as a society, that we have to have our peanut butter and jelly pre-mixed?
9. “American Stuffers.” The name had promise. I thought it was going to be a documentary about an overeating epidemic. No, it’s a reality show about taxidermy. We not only invite ridicule, we serve it up on a platter with Lone Star and venison jerky.
10. Jumbo Jerky Works Jerky Gun and Seasoning Kit
I know someone who owns this product–actually purchased it, not gifted. It has attachments so you can choose the shape of your jerky. It’s made in America. I looked it up. Who says American manufacturing is dead?