10 Things I Hate About You: An Open Letter to America

Dear America,

We need to talk. Consider this an intervention. I know it’s unfashionable to talk about your faults, but we really need to address your addictions. I don’t mean foreign oil, cheap imports from China, or an unhealthy obsession with all meat in jerky form. I mean the things that are really holding you back. This may be American exceptionalism in the wrong direction. Here’s my list.

1. Metric system already. Rip that band-aid off.

2. Hand sanitizer. Germ-X sales alone are what has halted the slide into deep recession. An alert immune system is a good thing. While, I don’t recommend licking the floor in the DMV bathroom, soap and water goes a long way.

3. Use of “like” and “you know?” as punctuation or dramatic pause.

4. Daylight Savings Time. Either have it or don’t. Indiana, I’m talking to you.

5. Innovation in the form of new ways to get more cheese onto your pizza.

6. Lindsay Lohan.

7. ED commercials with clothed people in bathtubs. Just wrong on so many levels.

8. Goober Grape. Have we really fallen so far as a society, that we have to have our peanut butter and jelly pre-mixed?

9. “American Stuffers.” The name had promise. I thought it was going to be a documentary about an overeating epidemic. No, it’s a reality show about taxidermy. We not only invite ridicule, we serve it up on a platter with Lone Star and venison jerky.

Which brings me to #10…Really could it be anything else?

10. Jumbo Jerky Works Jerky Gun and Seasoning Kit

I know someone who owns this product–actually purchased it, not gifted. It has attachments so you can choose the shape of your jerky. It’s made in America. I looked it up. Who says American manufacturing is dead?

5 thoughts on “10 Things I Hate About You: An Open Letter to America

  1. First, jerky should only have one shape: random strip of leather that peeled off your shoe or boot after a motorcycle accident.

    Second, I always hated Goober Grape…even as a kid, when I had no taste and embarrassed my mom by ordered uncooked chow mein noodles with soy sauce as my meal

    *end mini-rant and commiseration mode*

  2. Barbara, you are hitting a little too close to home with the jerky comments. I guess I won’t share with you the Meat Jerky Assessment and Evaluation Guide from last summer’s road trip. We tasted and rated every type of jerky we could find! If you ever find yourself near Crescent Junction, Utah, where I-70 and Utah 191 meet north of Moab, I highly recommend the buffalo jerky at Papa Joe’s Shop & Go. Just sayin’!

  3. owns it but has never USED it! I actually didn’t know we own the seasoning kit, thought we just had the gun, but I asked and yes, in addition to the jerky caulk Gun, we also have the season kit. I guess you want to be sure your jerky has good flavor! and maybe the salt has germ killing properties?

  4. I have a friend that owns the jerky gun. When I confronted him with the fact that the jerky gun does not make real jerky, he got very defensive. And actually the people around us gathered to defend his choice to make jerky from a caulk gun.

    I was amazed that there were only about 3 of us that actually said “ewwww”. I felt like I was the only person in the world that had not heard of the jerky gun.

    I’m sorry, but jerky made from mush is just disgusting and should not be tolerated. In fact I have created an online petition to ban the Jerky Gun:

    http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/ban-the-jerky-gun/

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