I consider the bumper sticker to be the ultimate in passive-aggressive behavior. It’s a way to argue with someone who can’t possibly refute your point. I get so irritated with assertions that I voted for the wrong candidate or am in some way interested in your firearm. I guess I am only interested if I cut you off in traffic. But, being a purveyor of strong opinions, even if they are stupid ones, I have to respect the intent.

What I can’t abide are the status stickers. I think it all started with the “Baby On Board” signs. You procreated, congratulations. I was going to t-bone you before, but now that I know precious cargo is in contained within, well, never mind.

From there it devolved to “My Child is an Honor Student…”blah blah. I never saw anyone peel one of those off when little Jimmy got sent to juvie. And now each car is like a moving Facebook post. I know where you vacation, what school you claim to have attended, how many kids you have and that they are super-into origami, and how many miles you ran once.

It’s getting out of hand. No one would deign to affix a sticker that said they did a 5k or went to Cleveland for spring break. If you aren’t iron-manning in shark-infested waters, don’t have 10 offspring stick figures, and don’t know the health benefits of the Uruguayan wonder-berry, you have not arrived. Even if you did, you still have arrived in a mini-van. (Incidentally I wonder if those family stickers aren’t really just a cheat sheet to make sure no one is left behind at Chuck E. Cheese.)  I haven’t yet, but fully expect to see stickers for SAT scores and number of kidney stones successfully passed.

What I really want to know is not how far you ran, but how many toenails fell off as a result; not what sports your kids play, but whose dream you crushed when you wouldn’t spring for clogging lessons. Or perhaps some helpful instruction, such as, “please disregard if this vehicle is stopped in the middle of the street and the driver is screaming at the occupants of the backseat that it is not ok to assault your brother with used orthodontic rubber bands.” Just sayin’.