UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
December 15, 2018
RE: Suspicious Doings in the Milhizer Household: investigation of a bunch of redacted stuff and other holiday-related nonsense.
On January 1, 2018, redacted name here contacted this Bureau’s Dallas Field Office citing suspicious circumstances related to the subjects in question. Based on the evidence provided, an 11-month surveillance of the subjects was conducted. As such, I tender the following observations related to their behaviors and recommend proceeding with a full investigation.
Eric, aka “White Lightning” is often found with a laptop studying graphs and 12-month forecasts under the auspices of “providing Texas with 100% clean energy at low cost with no contract, no hidden fees, and no hassles.” A bunch of other stuff here. Preposterous! This front of Pogo Energy is clearly a cover for the vast illicit syndicate bent on disrupting the power grid. It’s extremely effective, having achieved incredible growth in the first year of business. “White Lightning” is cunning, but slow, given his advanced age, having turned 50 in March. His main disguise consists of newly acquired reading glasses.
Barbara, aka “Schoolio” has infiltrated the school system, infecting the minds of juniors and seniors using poetry as propaganda, developing an extensive cell of Emily Dickinson devotees. She has been in this post for 5 years, having penetrated The College Board and compromised the AP Exam with uncharacteristically high results from her students by Something we can’t even mention here. We have intercepted an abundance of correspondence to colleges and universities across the country disguised as recommendation letters. Cryptographers are working around the clock to break them. Her tell is the continued use of the Oxford comma. She operates a base out of Northern Michigan in the summer. “Schoolio” and “White Lightning” have been in partnership for 23 years.
Gus, aka “Jazz Hands” is the leader of the high school cell. He graduates next spring and will undoubtedly continue his mission at the university of his choice. We have a TSA alert on him given his extensive tours of prospective syndicate sites across the country. Major targets include Harvard, Northwestern, Rice, Vanderbilt, and Columbia. He recently obtained a driver’s license under the alias redact this information He can often be found studying languages, watching foreign films, or practicing piano. This all points to an elaborate code the syndicate has developed for communication and transfer of information among members.
Nate, aka “ColombiaKing” is the muscle of the operation. He continues intense physical conditioning through tennis and golf lessons. We suspect sailing is a cover for learning to tie knots for potential use in torture and coercion. His preferred communication method is 80s guitar solos and tunes on the newly acquired Euphonium, which may also double as a torture tactic. His mission is to recruit unsuspecting 12-year-olds into the faction, particularly girls, it seems.
Service animals Sheba “FlufferNutters” and Otto “Spotted Wonder Dog” serve no appreciable purpose as far as we can discern.
We have a TSA watch on the suspects given their likely imminent expansion, having traveled domestically to Boston, New York, Baltimore, Chicago, Houston, Florida and Nashville in the past 11 months. They undoubtedly attempted to establish global channels through a trip to Italy last June and continue forays with an upcoming “vacation” to Spain over the holidays. More “college visits” are also planned through the Midwest in March. “Schoolio” and “JazzHands” will also be using the Greater Dallas Youth Orchestra European “tour” as a front to cement ties in Italy this July.
These suspects should be treated with caution and should not be approached, so my cover is not compromised.
R. Mueller, code name RoMu, the elf.
Attachments: Video Surveillance
Awesome! Happy Holidays
Sent from my iPhone