So I’ve been busy aging over here. Today I’m 40, and I did the whole Facebook countdown of all the things that are so awesome about being 40–you know, the cosmic Hallmark ones…friends, family, health, etc. And I busted out a super-awesome yoga pose to prove 40 is all that. (WordPress apparently can’t handle a portrait image–it’s a known issue, but if I can balance on my forearms, you can turn your head to the right.)
And one day in, I think it is. But I have some questions for those of you on this side…
- Does “hip replacement” refer to the old woman who sneaked in my room and traded out her old lady hips for mine?
- Is it unhealthy that a new mattress has changed my life so much that I have named her Gigi and made provisions in my will for her?
- Is there anything better than a Chobani in the fridge? Except for a Pomegranate one. I can’t eat that unless I’m near floss. The seeds get stuck under my new crown.
- Do I have to stop wearing socks, because the indentation in my leg never seems to go away?
- Why are my feet shrinking? Is that why old ladies fall down so much?
- Do I have to like Jazz now and vote Republican?
- When do I get to say to someone, “Listen here, Little Miss…”
- Do I now have to start timing when I eat certain foods, knowing “I will be up all night”?
- Do I need to start asking my doctor if things “are right for me”?
- When should “Bootylicious” be replaced as my theme song?
- Now, can I order a Bloody Mary without weird looks?
- Do I automatically get issued a red hat?
- Do I have to wear a red hat? I can’t really pull off hats.
- Must I now own a sweater vest?
- And finally, where’s my cake?