The unthinkable happened on American Idol last night – a travesty, a lapse in judgment, a sin against humanity. America looked deep within and unleashed a horror of epic (and I do mean epic) proportions. Twice. I’m talking about the return of the catsuit.
There are certain wardrobe choices that are meant for occupational or functional use only: harem pants, chaps, the Speedo. These are choices that fit a very narrow set of the population; in this case, Eartha Kitt. Instead, I was assaulted by Fantasia and Chaka (Can I just refer to her as Chaka?) stuffed like Lazy-Boys into unforgiving spandex. There were more ridges and bumps than on the Michelin man.
While I’m at it, I have an issue with another form of dress: the school-sponsored theme-dress day. We have days to dress up as your favorite book character (I will just be interested to see how many kids ask to go as a character from Fifty Shades of Grey next year), camouflage day, pajama day, nerd day, rock star day, tacky tourist day, backwards day, crazy hair day, team spirit day, 80s day, drug free day, etc. Clearly the work of the Hobby Lobby lobby. Just to make my life complete and give Pinterest another way to make me feel inadequate, I’d like to suggest a few more.
Hey kids, dress up as your favorite:
- Intestinal parasite
- Gosselin kid
- Deliverance character
- Punctuation mark
- Existential philosopher
- African dictator
- Element of the Periodic Table (My kid would be all over this one.Tungsten, baby)
- Tofu product
- Kazuo Ishiguro character
- Domestic militia member
I may have missed a calling: inventor of dress-up days and namer of nail polish colors.