Hello! Did you miss me? I took a few weeks off, and apparently not one of my 23 fans noticed. I’m Gen X, validation is my crack. It’s not as though I didn’t find anything snoot-worthy in the intervening weeks. I was just waiting for one of you to beg me to honor you with a blog. Anyway…

As you might know, I thrive on pretention (by the way, “pretention” is not a word, but in the spirit of Stephen Colbert, I’m making it one for purposes of this post), but if there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s false pretention–disguising our basest instincts with dignity and flair… taking a slithering mass of yuck and wrapping a snoot Snuggie around it.

I was busy watching my snark-crush, Stephen Colbert, last week on TV. I don’t watch a lot of TV, but I make an exception for the snarkily-gifted. Since it was real-time, I got a glimpse into the American psyche…the commercial.

Miller Lite has a new product with an ingenious delivery system, a punch top can. What is the purpose of an additional hole, you ask? Well, as the dainty pinky-finger-extended academics in sweater vests and Bruno Magli loafers featured in the commercial will tell you, it’s for a “smoother pour with less glug.”

Let me put on my false-snark detecting goggles and break that down for you. The extra hole lets the doughy Nascar fans, bedecked in flannel and steel toes, shotgun a beer with less air intake. Because if it’s one thing that turns off the Hooters girls, it’s not the queso caked on your shirt, your naughty Tinkerbell tattoo, or the black goo lodged under your fingernails…it’s your gassiness. Let’s be clear, you’re not pouring Miller Lite into anything other than your face as fast as possible. Note, in the ad, they never show the receptacle for the “smooth pour”. I think we can safely assume it’s not the Waterford Pilsner set.

I suppose it does, in the very least, illustrate a principle of physics and fluid dynamics. So let’s say you want to take full advantage of this engineering marvel and punch the top. How would you go about such a procedure? The ad goes on to show you a wide range of implements you can use to accomplish your “smooth pour” (read: imminent stupefied state): a house key, drumstick, fishing lure, screwdriver, and softball trophy (not making this up).

But why stop there now that you have tetanus…why not a prosthetic hook hand, a hooker’s stiletto, your field dressing kit, or that piece of copper that you’ve just stripped from an electrical wire? The possibilities are endless. It may unleash your creativity so much, you end up punching multiple holes and have a geyser of fermented goodness.

By the way, I had to look up what exactly is in a field dressing kit to make sure there was something that would puncture aluminum. All in the name of journalistic integrity, friends.

Here is what you get included in a field dressing/disposing of criminal evidence kit…elbow length plastic gloves, tarp and apron. Delightful. Siri can give you suggestions on where to dump the body. But she won’t punch a hole in your Miller Lite. She’ll berate you loudly in the presence of your friends, tell you to get clean up, buy a shirt with buttons, and give you directions to a store that carries nice imported German beers that start in a glass and end in a second glass. Prost!