I have angered the gods. Specifically:

1. The god of Unsolicited Email

I don’t know who sold my information recently, but I am not interested in last minute cruises, Pamper’s coupons, discount pharmaceuticals, or making a contribution to your lizard rehabilitation sanctuary.

2. The god of Discontinued Patterns

I am like a divining rod for dinnerware patterns about to fail and become exorbitantly expensive. Every pattern I registered for as a giddy bride-to-be with exquisite taste, collected half of as wedding gifts, and entombed in bubble-wrap was summarily discontinued.

I have exactly enough to serve a dinner party of 12, as long as no one wants to eat at the same time and is not thirsty.

Just this week, I scored 5 dinner plates on ebay. Feeling flush with success, I checked out my silver pattern, which is actually still in production. Not that it matters, at $100 a fork and $639 a place-setting (used – no monograms; I’d even change my initials if I could get a deal on the ones with monograms). I’m not even looking for things like the Bonbon Spoon or the Crab-claw Cracker. I just want the basics, you know, the things that Dixie handles. I might even go for $100 if Towle made a sterling “spork.”

On to my crystal. Waterford never discontinues a pattern. They simply “archive” it. For $200 I could special order an Irishman to blow me another footed iced beverage, delivered in 6-9 months. Blow me another, is right. If I have a party, exactly 7 of you can have champagne, 4 of you wine, and 4 of you water or iced tea, but not both.

3. The god of Lame Injuries

I smashed my pinkie into a countertop a month ago, and it still hurts. I decided to tape it to the finger next door in hopes that it will stop that awful snapping noise. And now I’m forced to explain that I just smashed my pinkie into a countertop.