We had an abundance of things to be thankful for this year in the Milhizer household, and not the least of these is the inspiration I know each of us took from the illuminating and ever-present campaigning and election process. We were wrapped up in the intricacies of polling numbers, Electoral College scenarios, and familiarity with county maps of Florida. We, at the Milhizer house, are sad to see it go and as such are considering a move to Ohio, which is like the North Pole, except for year-round elections instead of Christmas. Imagine a world where Hobby Lobby already has its 2016 red, white, and blue bunting up in anticipation! Can you say, “confetti cannon”? And so to extend the joy until the exploratory committees emerge next week, an homage, Milhizer style…

Editor’s note: For full effect, read aloud in your best “Investigative Journalist” voice with equal parts outrage and opprobrium.

60% of Milhizer Household: TAKERS!

Three out of 5 Milhizers pay no income taxes; never mind that they don’t have income. That’s not the point. All they do is demand food, clothing, the latest gadgets, and to be driven to an extreme number of extra-curricular activities. Just keeping the hybrid fueled up has forced Barbara to maintain 3 jobs: as HR consultant, yoga instructor, and unpaid (yet much loved) blogger. And yet, she finds time to practice piano, photo-document the family, and spend quality time with her Crock Pot.

Children Exploited to Enhance Facebook Posts

It’s clear that without being able to brag about their children’s accomplishments, these people would have absolutely nothing to say. For example:

Gus:

• 2011-2012 Piano Student of the Year
• 4th grade All A Honor Roll
• 4th place Durham Intermediate Spelling Bee
• 1st place Back Kick Board Break and 2nd place Staff Form, Hamandang Texas Tae Kwon Do Competition

Nate:

• 2 goals to cement the Rovers’ single win of the season
• Superior Rating in Fall Piano Festival
• Voted Best Laugh EVER

Such disgusting and shameless use of their offspring. They are probably angling for a reality TV show. Somewhere Honey Boo Boo weeps.

Blue State Vacation Bias?

Don’t think it has gone unnoticed that 100% of vacations the Milhizers took were to BLUE STATES!

• Skiing in Steamboat Colorado for Spring Break!
• A week in Chicago over the summer visiting public institutions, like museums! And you know what goes on in Chicago…community organizing!
• Torch Lake, Michigan. Isn’t that really South Canada?
• And Hawaii, which Donald Trump doesn’t even recognize as a state!

The only thing less American would be a trip to Europe, and our sources indicate that’s in the works for 2013.

Family Pet: OUTSOURCED!

Seamus, the hard-working family dog, was simply doing his job as retriever when he tried to bag a neighborhood cyclist for the family. Simply pulling his weight, we say. (The neighbor and local law enforcement saw it somewhat differently.) What did loyalty and honest work get Seamus? OUTSOURCED! Now he lives in the country with other dogs, competing for survival, and relegated to riding on car roofs. Meanwhile, his cozy bed and chew toys are taken over by a “Portuguese Water Dog.” Our investigators looked it up, and we’re pretty sure Portugal isn’t even in this country. As a result, we are unable to authenticate the birth certificate of this so-called Sheba. Another example of American jobs going to undocumented workers? You be the judge.

Foreign Take-Over! Heiliger Apfelstrudel!

T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, where Eric is VP of Marketing. T-Mobile is owned by Deutsche Telekom. I think we all know where this is going…half of Eric’s salary will be earmarked for the Greek Debt Alleviation Fund, the Milhizers will now be forced to pledge allegiance to Angela Merkel, and they must now learn to accessorize properly with scarves. Jawohl!

You Didn’t Build That!

Still no house on the property on Lake Charlevoix. It’s almost like they are expecting someone to come along and build the heli-pad and car elevators for them.

Polls Indicate Milhizers Bitterly Divided

On any given day these people can’t agree on what to name the new puppy, where to eat, whose turn it is to pick the song in the car, or who started the argument, and yet they manage to take as many vacations a Congress and still maintain a higher favorability rating. But they all agree on the following end to the annual letter…

May your post-election bounce be permanent, your gaffes few, your fiscal cliff a short drop, your PAC replete with funds, and your fate not rest in the hands of (clearly incapable) Florida. (Can we just replace them with Puerto Rico? Then we wouldn’t have to re-do the stars on the flag.)

Wishing you happy holidays and a terrific 2 years until congressional elections,

Eric, Barbara, Gus, and Nate

I am Barbara Milhizer, and I approved this message. Cue the video montage…