I stepped out to Bird-ma-geddon yesterday. There were 6 dead birds on the front porch in an apparent mass suicide. It looked like Bird Jonestown. I was expecting amazon.com boxes but instead had a real mystery on my hands. That would have been awkward to explain to the UPS man, “I’m not into ritual sacrifice, it just looks that way.”

You can find anything on Google, I’m convinced. Here’s what Google had to say about my search today, “what do 6 dead birds on your porch mean?” First of all, a fascinating site comes up called “Witches Brew Asks.” A polling of renowned experts, Witchywoo and princesspoopypants, indicated the following

Apparently finding a dead bird can mean many things…

1) an omen of bad luck (certainly for the bird)

2) an indicator that I’m about to receive money if the dead bird’s head is turned to the right (his right or mine?) and lose money if it’s turned to the left. Let’s just say there were 6 and I’m at about 50/50 – a break-even on the dead bird windfall.

3) a very prolific and generous cat

4) windows that are too clean or are too dirty

5) it depends on the totem of the bird

That last one seemed like a lot of work, but Google did not disappoint. Within 15 minutes I identified the bird(s) as cedar waxwing and then searched on “cedar waxwing totem.” Cowboypsychic.com (not making this up) indicated that the waxwing totem is gentleness and courtesy.

Whoa! Think someone is trying to send Snooty a message? The irony is not lost on me: gentleness and courtesy sacrificed at the altar of Snoots herself, x6. Message received. I could take the snoot down a notch, maybe to the 4-bird level.

Or…maybe it was a sacrifice of appreciation–an homage, a direct challenge, a threat, a warning, a plague, a game of Angry Birds taken too literally, or an offer I can’t refuse? I should have taken pictures and drawn little chalk outlines so I could interpret the signs appropriately instead of having Eric usher them out unceremoniously in a Hefty bag.

Sorry, I’m just no good at interpreting dead animal signs. I tend to overanalyze. Maybe something less dramatic and quixotic next time? Though I do appreciate the apparent thought put into it and commitment to execution (no pun intended). A text would be perfect. But then again, with auto correct it’s likely to come out, “6 deaf Cesar rafting on pitch.” I guess your way works. But let’s stick to something Hefty can accommodate and Eric can lift. No need to involve the neighbors.