As it is college bowl season, I thought I’d share my decision tree of how to pick a team in any given game.

1. Follow the Money

Root for the school Eric and I went to: Northwestern. I figure at $20,000 a year, for a combined total of 11 years, we’ve earned the right to enthusiastically support the team that makes other teams’ bowl dreams come true. You may ask if I root for DePaul, since I do have a degree from there as well. Let’s put it this way…I’m unaware of it if they have a football team, and I have tried unsuccessfully to send my diploma back for a refund, as I’ve never used that particular degree.

2. Conference Solidarity

I generally stick with The Big 10 because in some complicated Ponzi scheme, it’s good for Northwestern’s program. I don’t recognize Nebraska or Penn State as part of The Big 10. They were late additions, hangers-on. It’s like adding Scrappy-Doo – brings the whole level of the enterprise down. I don’t even have to make a Penn State joke, but they also disqualify under both the silly helmet and unidentifiable mascot rules.

3 and 4. The Silly Helmet and Unidentifiable Mascot Rules

Talking to you, Oregon. Judging from your pathetic band uniforms (windbreakers and baseball caps?), you spent all your money on mirror ball helmets. I want my marching band in full outdated, impractical, foppish attire. I want feathers, spats and high stepping. I want my band to get jiggy with Hall & Oates. But I want my football team in smart uniforms with no white pants. Miami Dolphins also have a stupid helmet. Why does the dolphin wear a helmet? It covers his blow hole.

I don’t know what a Nittany Lion, a Hoya, or a Gorlok is.

5. Root against any or all of the following:

Ohio State (unless they are the only Big 10 team left, and we need a win)

Any Florida team (out of general principle)

Texas A&M (I resist for fear of being assimilated)

And if still unsure, use

6. The Bad-Ass-o-Meter

Determine which mascot would win in a fight:

Examples of Muy Badass: Badgers, Wolverines, Gary Busey

Examples of Latent Badass (could become aggressive if cornered): Wildcat, Cardinal (like the mean one in my yard), Bulldogs

Examples of Lame: Ducks, Banana Slugs, Hustlin’ Quakers (unless up against the Irascible Mennonites, of course)