#Facebook Fail

I’m in the 1%. That is, the 1% that can’t keep up with Facebook and how it is constantly evolving to new levels that annoy me. My FB exploded the other day; I wasn’t able to access it from my phone. So you’ll forgive me if I didn’t realize that you went to the grocery store. I realized though, that people had been sending me messages. This was a new concept to me. I had asked some very funny, like-minded snoots to guest blog, and I realized I had a real gem waiting for me. Thanks, CC for the hilarious snark…

Carissa Casbon

Carissa’s Guide to Being More Interesting/Less Obnoxious on Facebook:

1) Don’t show me 100 photos of your home renovation project. To everyone but you, it’s boring. No one wants to see that shit.
2) Don’t give me a play-by-play of your entire vacation. Especially in these economic times. People are losing their jobs on a daily basis. It’s tacky. If you were having such an excellent time, you wouldn’t be making status updates every 30 seconds.
3) If you are visiting in or living in a tropical climate, don’t tell me about it in January. People have been killed for less. Yes, that’s a threat.
4) No one cares about your marathon training schedule. It’s not interesting. It’s just not. Not to anyone. Not ever. Better you hear it from me.
5) Don’t give me a list of things you are going to be doing if it’s not at least mildly diverting.
6) Don’t use over-the-top LOLs or ROTFLs or whatever. Truly there are very few things that are so amusing they are worthy of a floor roll. Even a figurative one.
7) For once, instead of bragging about your new car, your fabulous vacation, your new expensive gadget, or any other inane bullshit, tell me about how your child vomited in the car at exactly the same time as your dog (this happened to me), or what you are reading, or how you hope to be less life-suckingly depressed this year. It’s more relatable and you may just feel better.
8) If you have nothing interesting to say, just don’t post a status for a while. It’s okay. You can take that time to read the posts of your friends and make a few supportive comments instead of constantly yammering about yourself and how fabulous your life is.
DON’T: OMG! We just arrived in Prague and our upgraded hotel room is huge!
DO: Today is measurably less sucky than yesterday. I may make it through the whole day without a king-size bag of peanut butter M&M’s.
DON’T: OMG! I just ran 10.54 miles in just under 84 minutes! Now I’ll hit the showers, do three loads of laundry and go out for drinks with the girls! ROTFL! LOL!
DO: Post an interesting article you read. I promise they are out there.