Unnecessary Evils

You may have noticed I’m prone to strong opinions. There are many things in this world that are unbearable, disgusting, and traumatizing, but many of them are also useful or essential, like colonoscopies. But this is a list I think we can do without, in a segment I like to call JPU, or Just Plain Unnecessary.

1. Watermelons. Stop trying to convince me to like them by saying, “but they are mostly water!” I don’t like nasty flavored water, either.

2. Nasty flavored water. I don’t need my water to come in Black Cherry Dragon Fruit, Peach Mint, or “Skinny” Water varieties. Isn’t water already skinny? Just the H, the 2, and the O please. Crystal Yuck. It was equally as vile when it was Tang.

3. Ikea. It’s like a Chinese finger puzzle. The harder you strain to escape, the tighter it grips you. I imagine it’s a giant arena in which the masters are watching us scurry and try to break free.

4. Styrofoam. I don’t like the way it clings to me. I think it’s trying to colonize. I can’t stand the sound it makes when rubbing against a cardboard box. It freaks me out and is toxic to humans and the environment.

5. Celery. Again, I don’t see the point. This one is just stringy water.

6. Sweatpants. There’s just really no need, especially for the ones that advertise the contents within as “Juicy.”

7. Hummers. Embarrassing! I bet you don’t even own a kayak.

8. Egg Yolks. Especially the runny kind that people like to dip their toast in and ruin a perfectly good piece of toast. Super gross and happy food poisoning. (Note: I’m starting to make a connection to the origin of my oldest’s food issues.)

9. Moist. The word. I don’t like it. I avoid it. I’ll pass up the cake mix that advertises it’s the moistest. In the superlative, it’s even worse.

10. Word Finder Puzzles. I use the word “puzzles” loosely here.