Saran Wrath

Let’s just put it this way, if I am ever stranded on a desert island with only Saran Wrap, I will use the lot to wrap around my nostrils and mouth and make a hasty exit. The only thing I can get Saran Wrap to stick to is itself. But, should I ever need a giant ball of pliable Vinyloid, I know right where to go. I think “Cling” Wrap is a misnomer. It’s more like Quasi-Adhere To Wrap, Gently Graze Wrap, or Mildly Attract Wrap. More like Crush Your Soul Wrap. It is one of the few occasions that I demonstrate the full range of four letter words in my arsenal. Children hide and the dog cowers.

Since tonight I was stranded on a dessert island with 22 cupcakes needing protection from the elements, Eric tried to instruct me on the finer points of Saran Wrap application. This is like trying to teach me to whistle. I PHYSICALLY AM UNABLE. It doesn’t matter how you try to explain it, how you demonstrate, or think you are “the one” who can break through. It will not happen. Besides, for those of you who do whistle, it does not sound good, no matter how good you think you are. Ok, that PSA out of the way, I cannot be taught to use Saran Wrap, that is why tin foil was made. If you do insist on trying to teach me, I may be forced to demonstrate the sharpness of the foil edge on your jugular.